Is Sex Addiction an Excuse?

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By THE NEW YORK TIMES

Lori Moffett/Reuters

Tiger WoodsRecently, a panel of experts joined the Consults blog to answer readers’ questions about sex addiction. One reader, responding to reports of golfer Tiger Woods’s sex addiction, wondered if the sex addiction claim was just to save face and release all personal responsibility for his actions.

Q.Men who play with fire must know they might get burnt.

I can remember seeing a businesswoman who was having fantastic sex with her accountant. She knew the accountant’s wife and family and was feeling guilty about having sex with him, fearing she could be breaking up a family if found out – what should she do, I was asked.

I asked her how she would feel if she found out her husband was having sex with another woman? This was a hypothetical question – as the businesswoman had dumped her male mate some years previously.

She said she would be angry and give him the one-two heave-ho.

I asked, if her husband was having sex with another woman, would she be treated like she was the center of his universe?

She replied, no, he would be making excuses to get out of the house to be away having sex.

I asked, If you were the wife, and your husband played up with another or other women and you were devastated when you found out and you gave him the flick, that would then allow you to find someone else that actually would love you, someone that didn’t want to stray – do you think that might be of benefit to you?

Don’t you think the man knows that there is a chance of being found out? And yet he is prepared to take that chance. What sort of a husband is he to his wife. What sort of a father is he to his children?

I believe that Alan Kent has hit the nail on the head. He played with fire – he got burnt. The sex addiction claim is to save face and release all personal responsibility for his actions.

Money creates power. Power creates the ability to become corrupt and go against our societies beliefs of fidelity and allows men to do the things that most men only dream about in their fantasies.

It would be interesting to find out how many other women Tiger Woods has had sex with before he became famous and could afford to pay for all his sex.

If he did not have all that money or all that fame, how most women might have reacted to his advances might be an entirely different ball game.
bb, Sydney Australia

A.Dr. Joe Kort responds:

Calling sex addiction an excuse is a common reaction. My response to that is that it isn’t an excuse if it helps someone get help. These men deserve proper help, and to say they are using it as an excuse just further shames them from getting treatment. Yes, there are some men and women who will use sex addiction as an excuse. However, those same individuals will not get help, nor will they stay in treatment or recovery very long. Spouses and families deserve appropriate therapy for someone, like Tiger, who jeopardizes their integrity with their sexual behavior.

Fear, risk and danger are part of a sex addict’s world. Sex addicts do worry they might get caught, which further elevates their addictive behavior. They also fool themselves into thinking they won’t get caught and believe they are in a sexual bubble. Sex addiction is not about excusing or removing accountability — it is about helping the sex addict to be accountable and responsible and to take complete ownership of his or her own behaviors, what they have done to themselves and their families and moving in the right direction for recovery.

A lot of sexual prejudice exists toward people who engage in sexual behavior, whether they are cheating or not. Rather than judging harshly and further shaming these individuals, try to see them as suffering and not having anywhere to go to talk about their problem exactly because of the harsh judgments that exist in our culture.

Additional responses to this and other questions will be posted in the coming days and weeks. Check back on the Consults blog for regular updates.