Nation Collectively Acts Like It Was Rooting For Phil Mickelson All Along

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NEW YORK—The entire U.S. populace pretended it had not been rooting for Tiger Woods to come back from a bizarre sex scandal to win the 2010 Masters Sunday, claiming instead it was pulling for Phil Mickelson the entire tournament. "Anyone who wasn't cheering for Phil after the year he's been through with his wife's breast cancer diagnosis needs to seriously reexamine his values," said Boston resident Will Foreman, who secretly winced along with the majority of the nation when Woods bogeyed the par-4 14th hole during his final round. "I bet there are some sickos out there who actually wanted Woods to win because they thought it would be…well, pretty goddamn amazing, actually. Like no other triumph in the history of sports—an unforgettable moment. Not me, though: Phil and his wife embracing on the 18th is what I tuned in on Sunday to watch. Yup." According to CBS, a majority of citizens turned their televisions off after Woods' post-tournament interview, 15 minutes before Mickelson hit his final tee shot